The Accidental Marriage by Roger B. Thomas - Book Review

I was intrigued when I read the description of the new novel published by Ignatius Press, The Accidental Marriage. How would a Catholic publisher cover the subject matter of a man living an actively gay lifestyle, fathering the child of a woman living with her lesbian lover, and they end up raising the child together? I often remarked to my husband that this was going to be a difficult book to review as I read it. Difficult not because the book wasn't a good one, but due to the complexity of the subject matter. I was hoping that the novel wouldn't be heavy-handed on either end of the spectrum of this controversial topic, and I was not disappointed. 

Scott and Megan are friends who enjoy lunch together on occasion. During one of their visits, Megan mentions that her partner wants Megan to have a baby. Scott offers to father a child for the couple and not long after she becomes pregnant, the relationship between Megan and her partner ends. Scott does what comes naturally to him and takes Megan in, marrying her so that she would have medical coverage during the pregnancy. The struggle for each of them to maintain emotional boundaries is palpable. Each of them are so immersed in their sexual lifestyle and identity, they bristle against obvious natural consequences from the situation they've found themselves in. 

There were no preachy moments in the book. It is neither pro, nor anti-gay. The characters are well-developed and likable. I found myself cheering for them, feeling a parental urge to hug them and tell them it would all work out okay in the end. Certainly each of us have struggled with identity, fought against what we knew we longed for and needed. Scott and Megan are no exception.

If you are interested in a book club study/discussion guide for this book, there is one available HERE. 

I give The Accidental Marriage 4 out of 5 stars. 

_______________________________________________________

The Catechism of the Catholic Church on homosexuality:

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.
2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.
2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

United States Conference of Catholic Bishops statements on homosexuality are HERE. 

Catholic Answers Tract on homosexuality is HERE. 

Pope Francis stated that same-sex marriage is 'anthropological regression' HERE. 

Cardinal Bergoglio (now Pope Francis) on same-sex marriage HERE. 

  

Children: Begotten, Not Made

Over the past week, I have been strongly conflicted while reading the book Inconceivable.  It is about a Catholic couple who struggled with secondary fertility issues since their first child was born and turned to science in order that they may have more children.  Since men are fallible, a medical error resulted in the mother's pregnancy with a child who was not genetically hers.

On one hand, I was deeply saddened while reading what Carolyn and Sean Savage went through.  Their pain from having dreams of a large family dashed could not prepare them for the pain that was yet to come.  Carrying a child and subsequently falling in love with the boy, all while knowing that the child was to go to his genetic parents upon delivery is for most of us unimaginable.  On top of this, Carolyn had health complications and was putting herself at risk by carrying this child and giving him the gift of life.  As Carolyn noted in the book, she could legally kill the child through abortion, yet would have to give the child to his biological parents upon birth if she chose in favor of life.  Though I personally have not and would never  choose to use In Vitro Fertilization to expand my family, I can feel so much pain while reading the words of both Sean and Carolyn.  They desperately longed to do what was right for their family.  Their plans for a large family resulted in two healthy sons and two miscarriages before they decided to choose IVF to offer them hope for a larger family.  They are blessed to have a daughter who was conceived through IVF and in an attempt to further add to their family, once again underwent the implantation of three lives - embryos -which had been preserved frozen at a fertility clinic.  This is where the real nightmare began.

On the other hand, and this is where the conflict rises, they knew what the Church teaches about IVF and decided that the Church was wrong and that they were right.  They perceived a certain 'discrimination' against people who could no physically get pregnant without resorting to IVF procedures.  A look at Sacred Scripture shows that Carolyn and Sean were not alone in their longing for children.  There are perhaps dozens of instances of infertile couples struggling emotionally in the Bible.

In the Old Testament Elkanah says to his wife who was unable to conceive, "Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart so sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?" Of course Elkanah's wife loved him, but she wanted to bear their child. Source

I do not wish to hurt the Savages any more than they have been hurt.  It is they who put this story into a book and over the air waves into our living rooms, so I do feel I have some sort of implicit permission to give my own perspective on their deeply personal story.

It is my hope that they will read these comments and take them with the love and concern they are intended:

• Children are begotten, not made. 
• Gifts are to be freely given and accepted - but never forced.  
• You are deeply in love with a boy who is not genetically yours, and could have been as well with an adopted child.  
• The Church does not discriminate against you because of your infertility; to the contrary her members want to help you carry the burden of the cross.
• You made an extreme error in judgement just as everyone does.  Begin anew and put aside your anger with Church teaching. Prayerfully discern why the Church says that IVF is morally unacceptable.
• Isaac was the only son for Abraham and Sarah, yet through his obedience, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son for God. 
• Put yourself at the foot of the cross during this Lenten season and consider Mary, with her only beloved Son, knowing that he was destined to die upon a cross in order that all of humanity may be saved.  She too carried a child knowing heartbreak would be inevitable.
• Further encouragement of others to seek IVF not only leads yourself to further separation from God through mortal sin, it also brings others to the same destination. 
• Having children through 'any means necessary' serves yourself and your needs, disregarding God's will
• Gestational Carrier is a horrid term and one the Savages used when they decided to have their remaining embryos transferred to another woman in further efforts to expand their family.
• We all sin and sometimes it is with the best of intentions.  If we are off the mark according to Church teaching, it is best to further investigate where we are wrong - not the Church.
• Catechism of the Catholic Church: 2378 A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The "supreme gift of marriage" is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged "right to a child" would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right "to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents," and "the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception."

EDITED 3-31-11:  A link to this blog entry was posted on the Savage's Facebook page and a storm followed.  I temporarily removed the previous bullet points, but after having read and re-read the comments made by Mrs. Savage and others, have since returned them where they were initially. There is no delicate way to tell someone that they did something wrong and to suggest alternatives.  Certainly that is the case where someone has been through difficult trauma such as Mrs. Savage experienced.  One additional note:  If a priest comments that he does not support the Church's position on IVF, one should not feel justified as many a priest has also supported gay marriage, artificial contraception, fornication, female ordination and numerous other topics against Church teaching.  No one has stated that a child brought into the world via IVF is any less precious than any other child.  It is not the child, but the means that the parents used to become pregnant that is a serious matter.  Does that mean you think a child born out of wedlock is somehow inferior?  Nonsense.  Please read the information contained in the links at the end of the entry as I have added more.

From their Facebook page (not including comments made by other individuals though some are quite interesting): 

 "It is articles like this that leave me shaking in my chair. Off to take a deep breath and say a prayer for guidance. C"

"I know...it just hurts. I feel like the doctrine is so shortsighted and discriminatory. And, I can't count the number of priests who have whispered to us...."I don't really agree w/the church on this issue!", but are so deathly afraid to speak up and urge the hierachy to reconsider. C"

"[facebook fan], So sorry this upset you so! I just keep torchering myself and rereading it. My goodness, to say that we should have adopted....to say that she would never personally choose IVF...I find it so interesting when people are quick to say what they would or wouldn't do when they have never been in a certain situation. It seems so arrogant."

"I love my church. My next blog post is about my relationship with our parish. A few Sundays ago I sat in my pew and admired all of the families that had gathered for worship. Funny thing about it was...there were many there that have IVF children. They've just never been publicly 'outed' (or chastized). It's really, really hard to reconcile right now. C"

"Interesting thing about the [Catholic Ponderings] author. I think if the church changed it's mind, she'd change her mind. She is a devoted follower. I'm not always a fan of devoted "followers". Instead, I love to read articles, blogs, and published works written by "inspired ponderers". Critical thought, prayerful reflection and the recognition of the dangers of arrogance are probably a more accurate reflection of Jesus' loving approach to mankind. I often wonder what Jesus would say about the Church of our world. My guess is, he'd be shaking his head in disappointment. C"

Inconceivable was, as mentioned, a difficult read.  It was well-crafted, alternating between Sean's perspective and that of Carolyn's, seamlessly taking you through a very painful time in their lives.  I was brought to tears over and over as the waves of painful news mounted against this loving couple who were trying to cope with unimaginable circumstances. A little boy and a family were blessed with life and yet another family was left to cope with incredible emptiness and despair at what they had hoped could have been.  +

*To read more about the Savage family or to order the book, visit their website HERE.  

_________________

For further information on Church teaching in regard to infertility treatments and IVF consult the following:

In Vitro Fertilization: Ethical Implications and Alternatives 

Catechism of the Catholic Church

In Vitro Fertilization and Reproductive Technology - USCCB

Embryo and Fetal Research - USCCB

Technology to assist infertile Catholic couples consistent with Church teaching - USCCB

What you need to know if you are struggling with infertility

Infertility: Terms you need to know

Quick Questions on IVF answered

Dignitas Personae

IVF and the Catholic Couple

The Multiple Injustices of IVF

NaPro Technology:  Moral and Better than IVF

In Virto Fertilization and the Hermeneutic of the Gift  by Christopher West

U.K. article: New fertility legislation will make it illegal to use embryos with a known genetic abnormality in IVF treatment

Read THIS powerful story. Yet another situation where a family is changed forever due to an IVF implantation.  This time, the mother was implanted with three fertilized eggs and found herself pregnant with triplets. Read this agonizing tale as told by the father, sharing what it was like to watch his children die in utero on a monitor after his wife insisted on aborting two of the children. 

Love, Humility and Three Things You Should Always Say to Your Wife

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In this season of Lent I shall share with you a hard won secret which I refer to as the three most important things you should always say to your wife. I, of course, ask for nothing in return, but I do suggest that if you indeed find this advice useful, you give thanks for it in the form of alms. First, however, I would like to make a few remarks about the virtue of humility.

The Catholic Encyclopedia states that “…Humility is annexed to the virtue of temperance (a cardinal virtue) … because temperance includes all those virtues that refrain (or moderate) … the inordinate movements of our desires or appetites. Humility is a … virtue opposed to (or moderating) pride…”

The season of Lent culminates in the greatest act of humility that will ever occur in the history of the mankind, the death of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ -- beaten, naked and nailed to the cross in a form of execution reserved for the scum of the earth. Not only was His Crucifixion the greatest act of Humility, it was also the greatest act of Love.

Rafael Merry del Val (1865-1930) was a Spanish scion who attended St James Roman Catholic School at Baylis House, Slough, Buckinghamshire, England. He liked horses, dancing and the shooting sports. He was considered an excellent shot. He completed his theological studies in Rome, and was a priest by the time he was 23 years old.

Giuseppe Melchiorre Sarto (1835 – 1914) was the son of a village postman, and he lived his childhood in poverty together with his three brothers and six sisters. His parents, though poor, understood the value of an education, and, every day, Giuseppe Sarto walked to school which was located 3.5 miles from his home. He was ordained a priest at the age of 23 in 1858.

So here we have two priests: the peasant and the blueblood. History shows us the peasant became Pope Pius X – later canonized Saint Pius X, and the blueblood became his servant Cardinal Merry del Val, Secretary of State of the Holy See. Consider the humility of the request. Consider the humility of the acceptance.

The Litany of Humility

By

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val

O Jesus! Meek and humble of heart,

Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,

Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,

Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

---

The three most important things you must say to your wife:

1. “Yes, Dear.”

2. “It’s all my fault.”

3. “You’re looking especially lovely…” (the rest depends -- we will discuss an example later on.)

OK let’s take them one at a time, but first let me anticipate what may be your first objection: what about “I love you.”? Where is that on your list? Good point. My answer is that it is written all over that list, but not included on the list. That is the way you need to think of using this list. These are words that you need to use and say a lot, and they are words of love. Your challenge is to master the thinking that goes on behind the words, and not necessary the exact words. Then you must apply the thinking behind the words to the situation at hand. The words “I love you.” are great words, and they have great impact, but they would grow tired and lose their meaning if repeated too often. Think about the very first time you met your wife. Did you tell her that you loved her on that occasion? Didn’t it take a while, and perhaps many occasions before you were prepared to make that kind of a statement to her? Love should be special, not banal. The words I have chosen have a higher threshold for avoiding banality than “I love you”. After you have memorized them and used them for a while try to master the thinking and rephrase them, but, for starters, they will do.

“Yes, dear.”

The thinking that goes on behind these words should include thoughts of affirmation and affection. The overall meaning of the phrase is “I hear you”. The message you should be trying to connote to her is that you are at her service in this regard. It may well be, for you, an act of humility. So be it! Suck it up! You are the man! She is the woman. Remember way back when you built that pedestal for her? Your goddess beckons. Go to her. Now!

“It's all my fault.”

No one likes the taste of Crow. Why should you be any different? Rather than finding who’s at fault, it is preferable to take responsibility for a bad outcome, this is especially true where the actual cause of the problem lies in that grey fog where each of you actually may have played a role in the matter. Accentuate your role, and don’t even talk about hers. If it’s your fault, you may then be instrumental in solving the problem or finding a way out of the dilemma. However you must be accepting of the fact that even though you claimed responsibility she may have the solution to the problem. In that case, provided it is rational, for dessert, after eating crow, have a wedge of humble pie, and agree to her solution. The possibility also exists that by you taking responsibility, she begins to see the situation in a new light, and this may lead her to admit to errors she would not otherwise admit, but don’t count on that happening. We are not talking about executing some clever maneuver or lawyer’s trick on your part. We are talking about getting a situation “off the dime” and ending a dispute that has the potential to become very corrosive and non productive to your marriage. Who wants that?

“You’re looking especially lovely…”

It has been said time and again that women are detail oriented, while men are mainly interested in “the big picture”. Let’s take the example, where for months, Gloria, down at the hair salon, has been working on your bride trying to convince her to have her hair highlighted in some new special way. Today, she finally said yes to Gloria, and, now, she has arrived home and is in her kitchen with a kind of expectant air about her, and at about the same time, you, Neanderthal that you are, emerge from the garage after a bout of wrestling with a lawn mower tune up. You may say to yourself, “hmm she looks different, and she’s got that air about her again”, but you cannot pinpoint exactly what change has occurred. Let us restate the problem unequivocally. She’s gone and done something that has changed her appearance, and you don’t know what it is, and you’re not even really sure she’s done that – she’s got that air about her after all. Careful buddy! You are skating on thin ice! Don’t say something like “What did you do to yourself?” That’s really dumb, because it forces her to reveal her secret to you, and that is the last thing you want her to do. Where there is a secret, there is mystery. Where there is mystery, there is enchantment. It’s all part of her charm. So let’s face it, you’re clueless about what she’s done, but she does look kind of cute over there the way she always does. So what do you say? “You’re looking especially lovely this afternoon, my dear. How about a date tonight, after I get this lawn mower grease off my hands and take a shower?”

That’s what you say to your wife. Got it? Great! Go do it!

RIP Churchmouse 5/2013

NY State Bishops on Marriage

We face today the prospect of a law in New York which would radically change the timeless institution of marriage. As pastors of citizens from every corner of our great state, we stand unified in our strong opposition to such a drastic measure.

Throughout history, different cultures have had different customs regarding marriage. But the one constant has been the conviction that marriage is the union of a man and a woman in an enduring bond, ordered for the procreation and stable rearing of children. Regrettably, the state Assembly has voted to redefine what nature and our common heritage long ago defined for us. We fervently pray that members of the state Senate will stand firm in opposition to this ill-advised legislation, and we call on Catholics and all New Yorkers to contact their Senators to make their voices heard.

Our opposition to this bill is based not only on Catholic teaching regarding human sexuality and the Sacrament of Marriage. Just as importantly, it is based on reason, sound public policy, and plain common sense, as we stated in our 2008 pastoral statement on same-sex “marriage.” (The statement can be found at www.nyscatholic.org.) To briefly reiterate, the state has a compelling legal interest in promoting marriage between men and women in order to create stable families and provide for the safety, health and well being of children. The state has no such compelling legal interest in recognizing a relationship between two people of the same sex.

If there are injustices against those in relationships other than marriage, those injustices can certainly be reformed and corrected in a way other than by drastically redefining marriage.

We close with a final point from our 2008 statement:

“(W)e want to make absolutely clear that our firm beliefs about marriage … must not be misconstrued to be in any way a condemnation of homosexual people or an attack on their human dignity. Our Church teaches, and we affirm, that we must treat our homosexual sisters and brothers with dignity and love, as we would all God’s children. Indeed the Catechism of the Catholic Church warns that any form of prejudice or hatred – “every sign of unjust discrimination” – against homosexual people should be avoided. (CCC 2358)

+Timothy M. Dolan
Archbishop of New York

+Howard J. Hubbard
Bishop of Albany

+Nicholas DiMarzio
Bishop of Brooklyn

+Edward U. Kmiec
Bishop of Buffalo

Rev. Terry R. LaValley
Diocesan Administrator of Ogdensburg

+ Matthew H. Clark
Bishop of Rochester

+William F. Murphy
Bishop of Rockville Centre

+Robert J. Cunningham
Bishop of Syracuse

Help Preserve Marriage in New York State

Help Preserve Marriage in New York State!

On May 12 the State Assembly voted 89 to 52 to legalize marriage between persons of the same sex. The vote on this legislation (A.7732/S.4401) is available here.

The bill now proceeds to the Senate where indications are the vote will be very close. With the legislative session scheduled to recess on June 22, now is the time to communicate your belief in the sanctity of traditional marriage to your State Senator. If you have already used our web-based alert system to communicate with your elected officials, please do so again here. Then take these additional action steps.

1. Call your State Senator to register your opposition to the bill and to redefining marriage in state law. You can identify your State Senator here. Then call the Senate switchboard in Albany at 518-455-2800 and ask to be connected to your state Senator's office. Identify yourself as a constituent and be clear in articulating your opposition to S.4401, the bill to legalize same sex "marriage."

2. Urge three friends, co-workers and family members to use the Catholic Conference Action Center to communicate their opposition to S.4401. Urge them to send an e-mail here and to follow it up with a phone call.

3. Send a letter to the editor of your local newspaper to raise awareness of this issue and urge others to contact their State Senator. Use the talking points and materials here to make your case. You can use our Media Guide to simply and efficiently send your letters to the media.

4. Come to Albany on June 9 for the "Stand Up 4 Marriage" rally on the State Capitol (East) steps beginning at 10:30 a.m. Thousands of New Yorkers from Hispanic evangelical churches rallied for traditional marriage on May 17 in New York City. Now it is time to show lawmakers in Albany the same demonstration of support for marriage. The June 9 rally will be hosted by New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms.

5. Pray for your elected officials, especially for your State Senator as they consider their vote on this issue.

Thank you for taking action to preserve the time-honored definition of marriage.

(via Catholic Advocacy Network e-mail)

New York's Gov. Paterson on Gay Marriage

It shouldn't come as a surprise that Gov. Paterson introduced a bill for the legalization of gay marriage in the state of New York. After all, he and former Gov. Spitzer are grand champions of the cause. New York has a long history of 'firsts' and how frustrating it must be to introduce legislation once again knowing that it has no chance of passing. New York is the abortion capital of the U.S. - perhaps we have to let others beat us to the chase on at least some ungodly attempts at new legislation.

What is next? A battle for the legalization of polygamy? A plea to legally marry a chimp who treats you well and is a consenting adult? You just wait. The slope has been slipping for nearly a century. The same people who pushed birth control, overpopulation tripe, abortion and gay marriage march on until they meet no resistance. Right over the edge of no return.


Read Bill Donohue's Opinion Piece on the Culture War in our midst.

UPDATE: Click HERE to take action, New Yorkers!

UPDATE 5/18/2009: From the NY Times: "The Assembly passed a same-sex marriage bill last Tuesday by a margin of 89 to 52, shifting the debate to the Senate. But the bill’s fate there remains uncertain. So far gay rights advocates have received commitments from about 25 of the 62 senators. As many as four Democrats could vote against the bill, and no Republicans have said publicly that they would support it."

For Your Marriage

In the NATIONAL PASTORAL INITIATIVE ON MARRIAGE the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops call to our attention the meaning and value of marriage. From the most recent Zenit.org newsletter:

WASHINGTON, D.C., FEB. 18, 2008 (Zenit.org).- Seven in 10 U.S. Catholics describe themselves as at least "somewhat familiar" with Church teaching on marriage, and about one-third say they are "very familiar."

This is one of the statistics provided by a survey from the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate, and released by the U.S. bishops last week.

In a statement responding to the research, Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, chairman of the bishops' Subcommittee on Marriage and Family Life, said the findings paint "a mixed picture" and that "it gives us reasons to be grateful and hopeful. It also raises concerns and presents us with challenges."

As a result of this study and in recognition of a great need for support not only in preparation of marriage but throughout a marriage, a new website has been launched.

I am pleased to direct you to the new FOR YOUR MARRIAGE website. Important prenuptial topics included are: Must Have Conversations and Readiness for Marriage . Issues Facing Couples cover a variety of topics including: Infidelity, Addictions, Career Decisions, Parenting, Intimacy, and Domestic Violence. The site covers how to care for your marriage and provides real-life stories from married couples.

Please check out the information at the For Your Marriage site and the information provided at USCCB and let me know what you think. Let us all pray for all marriages and that the couples place their faith in Jesus at the very center of their relationships.

UPDATE 2/26/08

It has been brought to my attention that there are some websites which are linked from the For Your Marriage website that have questionable doctrinal integrity. If you are familiar with the website Catholic Culture, you understand that they review websites based upon the adherence to the Deposit of Faith. According to the person who contacted me, some of the links provided were given very poor reviews by the Catholic Culture site. I have asked Catholic Culture to please review the For Your Marriage website. If I hear anything, I will update. It would not hurt for others to ask for a review be conducted of the site and may expedite the process.

UPDATE 4/24/08

I have checked the Catholic Culture site and there is still no review of the website in question.