Our family has been on a strange odyssey over the past two years - or maybe more. Our son has always been a high honor roll student (95 average and above) and has slipped academically. He has complained about not liking school more frequently and his grades have dropped in classes that he has always found to be quite easy for him. We've chalked it up to the changes that come with being a teenager preparing for entrance into high school. Our standard for school performance has always been teacher comments. If the teachers say that he is getting work done on time and is doing his best, shows respect in the classroom and actively participates, our requirements as parents have been met. In my heart I've known that he can do much better, but made myself step back and do my best to not add to the pressure he has appeared to be under. When he was younger, we would often get calls from other parents at night. They would want to ask Alex what certain assignments were because their child forgot to write something down or the child could not remember how to do something.
Being in a small Catholic school, staffing can be a problem. Catholic school teachers are quite often paid half the salary they would make at a public school. In fourth grade, he had three different teachers. The first was in over her head with state testing and left after a couple of months if memory serves correctly. The second was there for a few months until a better job came along. The third started just in time to start preparing the children for the state math exams and it became amply clear that no math had been taught by the first two teachers. Our son finally told us that neither of them "liked math so they didn't want to teach it." Our son who had a 97 in math the previous year was suddenly drowning along with most of his classmates. The new teacher, Mrs. A, was a Catholic-in-name-only woman (was so ill-equipped to teach fourth grade religion out of a book, that another teacher had to do it) who had just finished her teaching certification. She was not lacking in enthusiasm, but clearly missing was the same educational standards we have come to expect from previous years. When spring came, our focus was on getting him caught up in math to the best of our ability and that all would be fine next year. Fourth grade would be a wasted year, but survivable. A hiccup.
In fifth grade, we didn't even know who would teach the class until school was about to start. Once again, we were facing staffing changes and were less optimistic due to our experience the previous year. To our relief, Ms. B did a good enough job with the children. Unfortunately, the problem with math the previous year continued on. The majority of the class was still behind and Ms. B sought out the help of a teacher who had a great talent for teaching math. Alex had always received high marks in all classes and was now receiving markedly lower grades in math only. From his perspective, it was his fault and he was unable to do well in the subject. The marking periods that year wavered between honor roll and merit roll. The teacher began making comments to Alex about his need for improved self-esteem. She made no such comments to me and I was uncertain of her professionalism due to her befriending students instead of maintaining a more teacher-student relationship. He had never faced difficulty in education until this point, and his perfectionist tendencies were unshakable. We continued to go with the flow.
In sixth grade, he was blessed to have a religious sister for a teacher. Sister C had a rather dour personality and ran a tight ship, but he excelled in everything except for math. It was our running joke that year with Alex (we had to laugh and try to keep it light) that with a small class of just ten or so children that year, he never got the Student of the Month award. We told him that we'd give him one in July AND August. It just didn't make an iota of difference to us as long as he was doing his best in school. In his mind, he had become a bad kid because his struggle with math continued (when he received extra help, he would be caught up and be doing fine - only to slip back off again) and the only negative comment we ever received was that his locker was disorganized. All other comments indicated a pleasant boy who was respectful to everyone, and did well in all of his classes - except for math. The fact that he never received the dreaded Student of the Month award coupled with his struggles with math began to show up in murmurs among classmates. A couple of girls in particular began to ask him what had happened to him. He used to be good and now he wasn't - at least in their minds. A crack that had been barely visible before began to widen.
In hindsight, seventh and eighth grades blend together in our minds because the same teacher was homeroom teacher for both. Mrs. D requested to be the homeroom teacher for the same class in eighth grade so there was no escaping what turned out to be two years of the attempted dismantling my son, fiber by fiber. I won't separate the two years because year two was just a continuation of year one. Calls from the principal became more prevalent, but to this day I'm not clear as to what the purpose of the calls actually was. Alex's math grade dropped to as low as 76 and rose as high as 90 for a marking period, and the math teacher continued to be the one who had assisted the fifth grade teacher. She had told me herself that math just wasn't Alex's strong suit but I refuse to believe that. I'm not a parent in denial. This is the same kid who can do math facts in his head much more quickly than I can. When I help him with math problems, I struggle to find the way to solve the problem. When I help him unravel the formula, he kicks into high gear and can finish the entire problem quite easily. His confidence was deflated so long ago that he has convinced himself that he cannot do math and never will be able to.
I've digressed. Back to Mrs. D and the calls from the principal, Mr. E. Alex began to talk about a few girls being a real problem in the class. One of the girls had come to the school from another area of the state. Her family lived in a large estate home (compared to the rest of the community) and threw huge parties for their kids. On the girl's birthday one year, a limousine picked up the class. After the first party as a newer student, all parties included the majority of the class being invited except for Alex, and two other children. This girl, F, became a ring leader in the classroom and other girls began to follow her lead. More and more the girls in the class, quite often with F's support and prodding, began to pick at Alex like vultures. Three of the most laughable calls I've received from Mr. E:
- F & G came down to the office and told me that Alex didn't take notes in Social Studies today. When asked, the Mr. E. admitted that Alex's grade is in the upper 90s in SS, does a good job on homework, and is respectful in class. Maybe taking notes isn't helpful to him and his style of learning?
- Alex's locker is messy. I gave him lunch detention after he cleaned out his locker and told him how important organization is (Alex told us that the girls had been complaining about the condition of his locker). I told Mr. E. that Alex has always been disorganized, and as his mother, I can assure him that eating lunch in the office will not change his organizational habits. We've bought every locker storage gadget and binder outfit found in stores and it makes no difference. Our family is more concerned with his behavior at school and the amount of effort he puts into his studies.
- J, a boy with Asperger's Syndrome, said an inappropriate phrase in class. Alex was sitting next to him. Girl G was sitting next to Alex on the other side and asked what the boy had said. Alex repeated it and G went to the office to report the incident to the principal. J and Alex both were in trouble. Alex shouldn't repeat things J says. So my son is in trouble because the girl knew the boy said something inappropriate, asked Alex to repeat it (the phrase the boy used was 'using the back door') and after Alex repeated it to the girl per her request, she asked Alex if that 'means what I think it means?' and he told her 'yes.' Could you and your snoopervisors possibly waste any more of our time? What is the intention of the snoopervisors who tattle about such nonsense? Is a life in jeopardy? Is the school on fire? Or do they derive pleasure from getting someone into trouble and the principal supports this effort?
Just in April, he came home and as the evening progressed it was clear that his irritability was increasing. He refused to talk about what was bothering him until I pressed and the boy visibly unraveled. He was inconsolable and his source of irritation was directed at F. and G. and their cronies. F. had told him that day that if he "died, I hope no one goes to your funeral" and "If you were missing, there wouldn't be a search party." Alex also talked on and on about how everyone, including teachers and the principal, hates him at school. He knew he wasn't going to survive at the Catholic high school we had just registered him for. The kids there hated him as well, and that was evidenced by the kids on the track team he was part of. He had clearly lost all objectivity because I knew this just was not the case. He was doing well in every aspect of his life outside of school. All adults who come into contact with him tell me how polite and well-rounded he his. He is frequently requested to serve at special Masses at our parish, his Scoutmaster has great respect for him and he will soon be elected to the national honor society for Boy Scouts, the Order of the Arrow. Even the receptionist at the orthodontist office commented that Alex was so pleasant and how we must be so proud of him. We had never once received any comment from any teacher or the principal about Alex misbehaving in school. At this point the puzzle was coming together, but a major piece was yet to be assembled. Mrs. D was yet to be revealed as the real class bully.
